Richard Cobbett Predicting Planescape

The latest Richard Cobbett’s RPG Scrollbars column on Rock, Paper, Shotgun takes a light-hearted approach towards the announcement of Planescape: Torment Enhanced Edition. It lists a mock-changelog of things to expect from the re-release and even includes your own personal Stretch Avellone. You should really check it out, but for now, here’s an excerpt:

* Streamlining: New faster path through Mortuary. Player can skip tutorial by hiding in refuse sack due to be thrown out by the Dustmen (on clicking pop-up). Deionnara now appears in dream sequence if initially missed, promising “I will wait for you in the alley next to the pizza shop by Death’s halls, my love.”

* Character Creation: The Nameless One is now nameable.

* Giant flashing neon arrow added above Pharod’s head.

* New Game Mode: Action. All major conversations carefully abridged to enable full focus on tactical combat. For example, “You are wrong. If there is anything I have learned in my travels across the Planes, it is that many things may change the nature of a man. Whether regret, or love, or revenge or fear – whatever you believe can change the nature of a man, can.” now shortened to “Cram it, Skullface.”

* New Companion: Giggles the Clown. Giggles now follows the party from the mortuary, making hilarious fourth-wall breaking japes and jokes about the action, including “You’ve lost your memory? That’s Adahn shame!” and “I hear the Brothel of Slaking Intellectual Lusts gives good head!” and “How many lives did it take you to get this grumpy, Mr. Grumpy?” It is not possible to kill or dismiss Giggles.

* New Romance: The Lady of Pain

* New Difficulty Level: “Take That, Iron Man”. No loads, no resurrections, no refunds!

* New Area: The Elongatorium Of Hollow Pursuits. Experience thirty hours of new gameplay in this new Maze; a long, empty, featureless grey corridor it takes thirty hours to walk down.