by Barry Smirkington

If there’s anything I enjoy more than talking about myself, it’s others talking about me and I have inadvertently grabbed the attention of a Mr. Barry Smirkington. Mr Smirkington has delved into my life and thrown out great handfuls of Jim history like a rabid baby emptying its pram of nail-bombs.

Are the below facts true? Well, I couldn’t possibly comment, not until after a verdict has been given anyway. Look out for Barry Smirkington, the world will see more of him and he won’t rest until… well… until he’s tired I suppose. Otherwise he’ll get up too early, and his whole body clock will be thrown off.

1. Jim draws a direct line of descendancy from Benjamin Franklin, founding father & secret bigamist. Jim honoured his famous ancestor by taking a walk-on role in the 2002 Ice Cube vehicle “All About the Benjamins”
2. Jim’s nemesis, Jum Cracklin, who participated in a series of daring robberies around the turn of the century, was eventually revealed to be none other than Old Man Peters, the caretaker from the disused funfair. He would have gotten away with too it if not for those pesky meddling twats kids!
3. Due to a misprint in the 1986 edition of “Who’s who?”, Jim was for a short time venerated as a reincarnation of The Green Man, principal deity of the Druidic faith. The error was soon corrected, but not before the misguided pagans had hewn a 7 metre tall replica of Jim’s face from solid rock!
4. Jim’s favourite hobby is flying kites at an international level of competition. He particularly enjoys competing against the Swiss, whom he views with a surprising level of hatred, distrust and paranoia.
5. Jim stole into her house late at night, and clamped his hands tight over her nose and mouth. By the time her eyes opened, they were already growing dim. She did not struggle for the elderly do not fear death, treating it instead as an unwelcome but long-expected guest. No-one even knew Jim had been there, and he feigned surprise and sorrow when the news of her passing reached him.
6. Jim claims to hold an honorary degree in animal balloon modelling from the University of Chichester, although Reverend Wilson Brown, current Executive Dean & Head Chaplain at the university, describes him as “[a] goddamn bullsh1t merchant, I don’t know how he dares, not after what he did.”
7. The recent appearance of long-dead hip-hop hero Tupac Shakur at the Coachella festival in California, reported to be the product of advanced holographic technology, was actually Jim in a convincing wig.
8. Jim is addicted to the fertility drugs specifically designed to aid breeding efforts of the critically endangered giant panda, leading him to be a wanted man in China with a bounty of fifty thousand Yuan on his head. Jim describes the high from the drugs as “like having your ribcage smashed open with a sledgehammer, but without the normal negative connotations that carries”.
9. Jim’s first job was for the now-defunct British Wrestling Federation, winning many titles and championships under the stage name “Big Daddy”. Jim built up a huge following in this time, counting hated despot Margaret Thatcher amongst his many fans.
10. Following the death of Pablo Escobar in 1993, Jim was bequeathed a family of reindeer from the deranged drug lord’s personal menagerie. When they were eventually shipped to his house, Jim found their antlers were made entirely from cocaine!
11. In 2017 Barry Smirkington discovered that rogue government agent Jim Franklin was using episodes from Barry’s life to enhance his own reputation, claiming that many of Barry’s most heroic actions were in fact attributable to himself. The following battle over copyright soon escalated from a simple courtroom drama to running gun battles on the streets of Luxembourg, and ultimately open warfare between the major World powers. Although Barry ultimately prevailed, recent South American sightings of an 18-metre tall atomic death robot built in Jim’s image cannot be easily discounted, and it assumed that the current peace is a break in hostilities rather than a cessation of the conflict that has so far left 2.4 billion people dead.

These facts were taken from “The Life & Times of Jim Franklin by Barry Smirkington (2002, Associated Press)” available in all good fictional bookstores.